Tuesday, December 14, 2010

Abundance Part 4

Not every day was the same in this maze I had set up for myself. One day I would be able to hold that focus, the next I was off the chart with worry and anxiety. What made this worst was at the same time I was so worried about money to make it through the week, every time I would step out of the house I was met by some one less fortunate then I asking for help! "Good Lord," I thought. "Every homeless person in the city is being attracted to my fear."

I went to the gas station to put gas in my car and I was asked for money by a man leaning against one of the pumps. My instant reply was, "No, I' m sorry. Things are hard for me right now too". He politely turned away looking for the next person to ask as I stood there feeling angry that I was being put into this situation.

The anger was because I knew the universal laws of attraction like I knew my own name. This however was not a problem when I was in "cash flow". I was always happy to help anyone who would ask regardless of how I thought this person may spend it. I knew it wasn't my call to even wonder but to make the choice to give it FREELY or to not give it at all.

My humble knowledge of how this universal law works at its most basic state was to give to others what you need. At this point in my life I needed money and so I had set myself up in a place that I could give to someone else what I needed most!

That was all good in theory but the only cash I had was five dollars  in my wallet and I was pretty sure I was going to need that before the end of the week. Standing there pumping my gas (on my credit card) I just wanted to cry. The fear that was engulfing me when I thought about giving that money to this man was gripping me like a vise, yet I KNEW that I had too give it to him or my integrity with what I believe would be out of balance and I would be living a lie.

As I finished pumping the gas I went to my wallet and there were exactly 5 one dollar bills there. With a deep breath I took out two of them and approached the man and gave it to him. He nodded his Thanks and I went back to my car. As I climbed into my car I had to swallow my anger and fustration when all I got was a nod from the man I had just given two of my last dollars too. I was raw and tired.

Heading towards the grocery store I kept waiting for that good feeling that you feel when you do something nice or you help someone in some way. Everything inside of me was shaking and I kept hearing myself saying over and over, "what are you doing!" There was no good feeling in this, only fear. Gripping fear that I had finally lost all sense.

I only stopped in to the grocery store to pick up a few things that I could fit on my credit card. When I walked through the door I saw all of these red sale tags on the vegtables that I always buy. "Hum, that's weird" I thought. Because of this "sale" I was able to buy a whole lot more then I had antisipated. It didn't take long for me to realize that this "sale" was the result of my gift to the man at the gas station. What surprised me was how fast the circle of abundance had come around!

As I left the store I was feeling a whole lot better about things. I was contemplating just how this all happened and because I had just experienced this awesome law in action my belief grew stronger and my faith and trust trippled.

I had just loaded the bags in the car and began to turn around and there coming towards me was a man with a look of sadness in his eyes. I remember thinking "Oh, no! I know that look! Not again"!

Sure enough he apporached me and asked me if "I had any money I could spare. This was money to feed his kids, and he would be really grateful for anything I could give him." 

Now, you would think I would have laughed out loud at the absurdity of this entire day but again my first reaction was, "No, I am sorry, thing are really hard for me too right now." He sadly said, "Ok" and walked away as I clamored into my car. 

There I sat, frozen. Gone was the feeling that every thing was going to be OK. Gone was the awe I had just experienced and in its place that dread was back full force. How can this be. Twice in one day. I knew what I had to do yet I sat there numb. This time however it was not as hard since I had just witnessed the miracle that can be created if I would relax my death grip on my life. Surrender was needed and surrender I did.

I opened my wallet and there were the three one dollar bills staring at me. Again, I took out two of them and I kept one for myself. I just could not part with that last dollar. I drove over to where he was standing and rolled down my window, handed him the money and told him that, "I wish it could be more but I know that every thing he and his children need will be given, if he would only believe". He smiled at me as I drove away.

I was telling myself this as well as to him because I saw myself in him. I saw his need as my own need. I saw his fear as my own fear. In that moment, we were one in the same. We both stood looking into each others eyes and reflected back to each other the hope that our trust and faith in some thing larger then ourselves would help us through. I drove away knowing I did the right thing but wondering as well how I was going to get through this week. I chose not to think beyond that.

That day will linger in my mind forever. That day was just the beginning of what was about to happen in my life. This one crazy fearful day lead me into the next step. If I hadn't experienced this small display of universal law in action, then the next demonstration of that law in action was going to knock me out. Stay tuned.

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